Postpartum Psychosis - The Woman Behind the Diagnosis

When you hear the words “postpartum psychosis”, I think it becomes easy to let the diagnosis become a mothers entire story.

We have been hearing a lot about postpartum psychosis in the news lately, and as much as we love to see awareness around it, I also think we are seeing a lot of stigma, misconceptions, and thoughts that the diagnosis defines who a mother is. When the reality is, there is a mother behind the diagnosis. There is a wife behind the diagnosis. And most importantly, there is a woman behind the diagnosis. A woman who loves her kids more than anything.

This is the story of a mother who defined all odds, fought her diagnosis to become the mother she always knew she could be, and who still chooses to advocate for the many women who are not so lucky. She wants other women going through postpartum mental health to remember one thing:

“The diagnosis does not define who you are as a mother”.

Before the Diagnosis, She Was Simply Mom

She is 30 years old, a wife, mother of two, dog mom of two, and resides in Colorado. She is a homemaker and very passionate in everything she does. Out of everything she has accomplished and every role she has held, being a mother is her absolute favorite.

When asked what she loved most about motherhood, she talks about watching the two people she created with the person she loves grow into such incredible human beings. She loves watching them reach each milestone, experience new things, and seeing the innocent love they have for the world around them.

She describes herself as a dedicated mother. She stepped away from her career to focus on being a mother and wife, and she cherishes the close relationship she has with her children. She loves the way they come to her when they need comfort, the way they love so fully, and that feeling of completion they have brought to her life.

This is who she is today.

This is who she is beyond the diagnosis.

When Things Started to Change

Her pregnancies were good experiences, she had healthy pregnancies and ultimately loved being pregnant.

After the birth of her first child, she experienced some depression during those early days, largely connected to a lack of support. She remembers one particular moments from three days postpartum when she was nursing her baby and uncontrollably crying.

She had tears streaming down her face and all she could do was feel guilty that her baby was watching her cry at such a young age.

Then it started to get worse.

It started with nightmares, then came hallucinations that she didn’t even realize were hallucinations.

One night, she gave her baby gripe water, something many mothers do to help with hiccups or upset tummies. All of a sudden her baby turned blue and stopped breathing. She took her baby to her mothers room, who was staying with her at the time, and told her he wasn’t breathing and he needed help. Her mother took the baby and told her she needed to go get some sleep.

It wasn’t until months later that she realized her baby had never actually tuned blue. This was her first hallucination with postpartum psychosis.

Then the nightmares became something more. More blood, more gore, more heinous acts. She even started experiencing these nightmares while she was awake. She started seeing very frightening things surrounding her baby.

She became terrified.

At the time, she thought there could be something wrong with the bassinet itself, a bad energy linked to it because it had belonged to someone whose infant had passed away. Her husband’s family is Buddhist, so they asked a Buddhist practitioner to come and bless the home. They opened the doors and windows, used herbs and incense, and blessed the space.

It seemed to help. Not because it made the hallucinations disappear, but because it gave her a sense of peace she needed while she was trying to understand what was happening. She still had no idea that she was experiencing postpartum psychosis.

When Her Mental Health Became Something More

It began as anxiety and depression, something she is used to as being diagnosed as a teenager. She has also struggled with bipolar disorder and ADHD throughout her life. Things started to feel different though.

More severe.

Darker.

Her thoughts began escalating into suicidal thoughts. She began experiencing thoughts that frightened her, including thoughts involving her children.

She knew sleep was vital for her bipolar diagnosis, but her baby wasn’t sleeping. She began feeling resentment towards her baby because she wasn’t getting the sleep she knew was very important. This made her thoughts to become even more disturbing.

She describes those thoughts as incredibly graphic and frightening, using words like “demons, gore, bloody, and heinous acts towards her family”.

There came a point where she became so terrified of what was happening inside her own mind that she called her husband home because she was afraid she might harm their baby. Her husband went to his boss and explained what was happening. He told him, “Hey, look. My wife’s at home and she’s having thoughts of harming our baby. I need to be home to support her.”

His boss told him, “If she couldn’t handle being a mom, she should have never had kids.”

Those words stayed with them. Instead of receiving understanding in a moment when his family needed support, they were met with judgement. Her husband eventually quit that job.

And still, she did not understand that she was experiencing postpartum psychosis.

It was her mother who finally helped her see what was happening. Her mother, who told her she had thoughts of harming her sister when she was a baby, became a safe space for her to talk and open up too. Her mother recognized the hallucinations for what they were and explained to her that what she was experiencing was psychosis. She gave her daughter a choice: admit yourself into a hospital or make an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist to get help immediately.

At that point, she didn’t care about the diagnosis. She just wanted to get better. She knew a diagnosis didn’t define who she was as a mother, she has multiple diagnosis’s in her medical chart to prove that. She knew she was at risk for harming her family and wanted nothing more than to get the help she needed and be the best version of herself possible. Something she knew was inside her, she held onto that, onto that hope. And that hope is one piece that saved her life.

When she first heard those words, postpartum psychosis, she was already numb. She was just desperate for relief. But underneath that desperation was a terrifying question:

What does this mean about me as a mother?

She worried that she was too unstable to raise her children. She wondered if she would be mentally sick for the rest or her life or if she would ever find herself again.

She knew, somewhere deep inside, that she could be a wonderful mother again. The mother she had always imagined she would be. The present, dedicated mother.

But the darker thoughts brought on by psychosis were even louder. They tried to drown that belief out. They tried to remove the hope that she was fighting so hard to hold onto.

During psychosis, she describes herself as feeling like a zombie, she was physically present, but mentally detached from almost everything else around her. And yet, she continued to hold onto that hope. She continued to remind herself that she was still in there, that she knew she was a good mother and could find that version of herself again.

She was afraid people would see her the way society sometimes sees mothers with severe mental health. That she was sick, unstable, incapable, or unfit to be a mother. She worried they would judge her based on her current thoughts, her diagnoses, rather than the woman she actually was.

But postpartum psychosis was not a choice. She did not ask for it. She did not choose it. And it did not erase the love she has for her children. And this is what she wants society to know, she wants mothers going through the same thing she did to remember this:

No mother would willingly want this.

Finding What Helped Her Heal

Her recovery was not a single thing. She wasn’t better in a single day.

It involved countless doctor appointments, therapies, psychiatrists, all who specialized in postpartum mental health. She even worked on things at home, like yoga, meditation, exercise, supplements, nutrition, and support from others. She tried to heal from the inside out in every way she knew how. But ultimately, medication was what helped her come out of psychosis.

For her, medication was what gave her peace of mind and allowed her to begin healing. She was prescribed an antipsychotic, Rexulti, which cost $3,500 a month out of pocket. This is a medication she will be on the rest of her life. She is currently on a base level of 3 mg, but keeps 4 mg in case she has a manic episode or goes into psychosis ever again. Its her lifeline in case she has another mental health emergency. Today, she is on Rexulti, a mood stabilizer, and ADHD medication, which wasn’t prescribed until a year later because the side effects of ADHD medication can put her into a manic episode.

She is very clear that she does not want to tell every mother that medication is the answer, but she believes everyone has to find what works best for them. At one point in her life, as a teenager, she was prescribed 11 medications a day for her mental health, which she notes is a problem we see in todays mental health world. Women are being overprescribed and doctors are using trial and error to find what works instead of doing the testing to find out what works best with their brain and body. Not to mention, the wrong medication can amplify symptoms very quickly.

Support also played an enormous role in her healing journey. Her mother and husband rallied around her. They checked on her, helped keep her grounded, and made sure she wasn’t facing what was happening alone.

Eventually she began taking her kids to the park. Getting out of the house. Doing things with her children. Letting them simply be kids.

That was when she bean to feel the light at the end of the tunnel.

She Still Remembers

Healing did not erase what she went through. She can still remember those nightmares.

The blood.

The gore.

The frightening thoughts.

Those memories are still there, and probably always will be. But what changed is how she sees herself because of them. She discovered a resilience within herself that she didn’t know she had. She survived some of the darkest things she could have ever imagined inside her own mind. She survived something that many do not.

And she is proud of herself for surviving. She is proud that she got help. She is proud that she is still here. And most importantly, she is proud that she was able to come through the experience and continue being the mother she always knew she could be.

The Diagnosis Does Not Define You

If she could go back and talk to herself during the worst of her psychosis, she knows exactly what she would tell that version of herself.

Reach out for help immediately. Before it gets worse. Because it can get worse.

She also wished she had accepted help sooner. Looking back, she recognized that she tried to carry too much on her own. She turned away support and tried to handle everything herself because that’s what she thought she needed to do.

Today, she sees support differently. She encourages mothers to lean into anyone willing to help, weather its your spouse, a parent, a friend, a therapist, or even a neighbor. Find your village. Hold onto it. Take care of yourself. And celebrate the littles wins, even if it is brushing your teeth or taking a walk. Anything you do is worth celebrating in those moments, because when you are struggling, those small things can be huge.

And most importantly, she wants mothers experiencing postpartum psychosis to remember:

You are a good mother. The diagnosis does not define you.

The Mother She Is Today

Today, she describes herself as an extraordinary mother. She would go to the ends of the earth for her family. She feels more balanced, grounded, and aware of the importance of her own health than she ever has before.

Her children pushed her to get better.

She doesn’t want them to remember her as the mother who couldn’t get out of bed or the mother who was consumed by rage.

She wanted to be there for all the milestones. She wanted to live. She wanted to be their mom.

And today, she is.

She is looking forward to watching her children reach those new milestones and enter a new chapter in their lives. She looks forward to seeing them become more independent, even though she knows that part is bittersweet.

When asked if her children ever read this story later in life, what would she want them to know about their mom, her answer is simple.

She fought for them. She wasn’t fighting through psychosis for herself, she was fighting so she could be the best mother she could be. And sometimes, being the best mother she could be meant learning how to take care of herself.

The Woman Behind the Diagnosis

There is a lot that people don’t understand about postpartum psychosis. But perhaps one of the most important things to understand is that the woman experiencing it did not choose it.

She did not ask for it.

She did not want it.

And she is not defined by it.

She is a mother who wants the best for her children. She is a woman who experienced something incredibly frightening and survived it. She is a woman who found resilience in a place she never expected to find it. She is a woman who is still healing. And she is a woman who wants other mothers to know they are not alone.

Today, she doesn’t see herself as the woman who was lost in psychosis. She sees herself as the woman who found her way back.